Sad

You know that expression "I cried my eyes out"?

On my way to where I am today, I have encountered many people who use tears as a tool of manipulation. Consequently, I do not trust tears. I rarely cry myself. And when I do it's usually short-lived. I know that tears are supposed to be a form of emotional release. I know that I should feel better after a good cry. That doesn't work for me. I feel worse after I cry than I did before. I'm sure mental health experts would have some interesting opinions about me, but I really don't care.

Don't get me wrong. I shed a few tears at the important things. Hallmark commercials. That ad that features the unwanted, abused pets. News of a newborn baby even if I have no idea who the parents are. Military personnel leaving for overseas. Military personnel returning from overseas. Every time I hear the National Anthem.

Of course, I've cried over all of my kids. (The tears I've shed over Zach alone would fill an ocean!) But yesterday I was alone. And there's been a lot of stressors in my life lately. It was the perfect storm for tears.

Yesterday I got the sad news that JD and Janel are not moving near to us. I should clarify. They are moving nearer. To Kansas. I didn't realize how much my heart was set on them moving to Prescott, or Phoenix, or Colorado Springs, or anywhere within 12 hours until I got the news that Kansas is their destination.

I had been practicing what I would say if they should call and give me such news. And I delivered my lines perfectly. So well, in fact, that into the conversation JD asked me if I was disappointed. Are you kidding me?! Disappointed doesn't begin to cover it.

I didn't realize how much I was hoping for a closer destination for them. I made it through the phone call. Then I hung up the phone. And cried. For hours. Fortunately Dan called and I was able to stop crying.

My eyes are a mess this morning. I can't see a thing.

I feel terrible that I am so sad. I should be rejoicing! I think they made a wise decision. I support them totally in this and will be encouraging... tomorrow. I am so glad they are getting out of South Carolina. I am thrilled that JD has found a place to finish his internship hours. I am relieved knowing that they will be close to family (Janel's).

I knew intellectually that they weren't coming to Phoenix, but evidently my heart didn't get the memo.

If I had a bucket list, I guess I could cross "have a good cry" off of it. Except there was nothing good about it.