Thirty-two years ago today Dan asked me to marry him. I, of course, remember him asking me, but I had no memory at all that it was on Valentine's Day. It's not that I'm an unfeeling, cold person. It's because the way he asked me irritated me so much he's lucky I said "yes". Ummm. Guess that statement isn't helping to dispel the thought that I'm not cold and unfeeling.
Dan's Mom and I had so much in common interest-wise. She loved to read. So do I. She was an avid cross-stitcher. So am I. She loved to talk. So do I. She didn't like me one little bit. There's where the problems started. When Dan asked me to marry him, he did it in front of his mom. I was thrilled. She was not. She got up and walked out of the room without saying a word. Here's your sign...
I had heard stories from Dan's sister and SIL about his mom's behavior at their weddings. After having her react so dramatically to our engagement, I knew I did not want to give her a stage to perform her drama on at our wedding. So we decided to elope. I've never been one to dream about big weddings, plus I'd been married before. (That ceremony was performed at a courthouse in Kansas City).
We planned our trip to Las Vegas. We had beautiful wedding announcements printed up. The night before we were supposed to leave, we were at his parent's house. Dan left the room and his mom lit into me. I can remember clearly all of the awful things she said to me. I'm not going to elevate their importance by listing them here. As we left her house, I seriously told Dan I was thinking of not marrying him just because of her rage toward me. But, I went through with it and boy am I glad I did!
We will celebrate our 32nd Anniversary this April. It always bothered me that his mom and I were not good friends. I would have loved to share our common interests together. I figured out over the years that it wasn't really me she didn't like. She just didn't want to lose her son. This thinking is completely foreign to me, so I didn't have much empathy for her position. I still don't.
My presence agitated her so much over the years. Even after we had kids. I finally made the decision to give her some peace and to save my self-esteem and removed myself from a relationship with her. I was courteous and respectful when they would visit us (I hope). I did not talk her down to my kids. Indeed I think my kids grew up thinking I was the problem. Which was fine with me. I did not want to bad mouth their grandma.
I am thankful in a way for her. First and foremost, she gave me my husband, whom I love completely. She also gave me a blue print for being a MIL. I do everything in my power to show my DILs how much I enjoy them; I truly love both of them. I informed them both when they entered our family that I just want to be their friend, they already have moms.
Last year when Dan reminded me that we were engaged on Valentine's Day I was shocked! I truly had no memory of the actual day it was. I marked in on my Outlook Calendar so I wouldn't forge again. I'm so glad he reminded me!
